Peacekeeper

In my family (and beyond), I have always been the diplomat, the bridge builder -- "she who keeps (or creates) the peace." I'm proud of this trait; it's good for me and for my family. However, even I have a breaking point. One thing about being the peacekeeper: sometimes that person sacrifices his or her voice to keep (or make) others happy. I used to do that. Now, though, I speak up if I have a problem with someone else's words or actions -- and I usually do it in a nice way -- then I'm over it. What I've discovered is that if the other person is lacking in empathy, there's no easy way to keep the peace.

I first learned this hard fact when I was married to my second husband (so I'll use him as an example rather than the most recent offender). If you try to make yourself clear or just to be heard with such a person, said person will continue to hear what he wants to hear and believe what he wants to believe. Even when you try to clarify -- especially perhaps when you try to clarify -- said person will either twist your words or intentionally not understand. It's very frustrating. With my ex-husband, especially when he was drunk, nothing I said in an argument was the right thing, but staying silent wasn't acceptable either. If I raise my voice he got more angry; if I lowered my voice he said I was being condescending. There was no winning.

That is how I feel now, except that the current person in question is someone from whom it's not so easy to get away. (Not that it was easy to escape my abusive ex, but once I was out I never had to see him again.) It isn't one of my kids. They are my biggest supporters and defenders, as I am theirs. This time around, my diplomacy skills are failing me, so my flight instinct is kicking in. I can't wait to go back home.