Social Contract

Yes, I know it's been a long time. I've had several "false starts" on getting back to it, and have set a few days that seemed auspicious for resuming. Obviously all of them have passed. Today I have decided to ease back in, and this will be brief -- if I can limit myself. I'm angry and sad -- and I need to stop looking at Facebook!

I'm not sure why (many) people seem to think that their right to own any kind of weapon supercedes the right of others simply to live, but I've been seeing and hearing it all over the place. I would like to offer a few thoughts on the matter of the most recent school shooting, not just because I have an awareness of how a similar event could affect me -- and I am aware of that -- but because no right is more important than the right, especially of a young person, to live.

 1. In Florida, and probably in other states with warm climates, our school hallways are mostly outdoors. In addition, our new buildings seem to be more concerned with aesthetics than with safety. I have nothing against pretty buildings, but when I am in a classroom with floor-to-ceiling windows (as I have often been), I might pay more attention to potential threats outside my room than to the lesson I'm teaching. Fortunately, I have taught certains courses so many times over the years that I can go on auto-pilot and my students probably won't notice.

 2. More guns on campus will not help! Florida's gun laws are notoriously lax, and I have no doubt that some of my students (legally) carry concealed weapons. Some may do so illegally. Honestly, as long as they keep them put away, I don't care. But what would happen if a shooter entered our classroom? Could I trust that any student -- or faculty/staff member -- would be careful and accurate? No. I don't believe that would be the case. I think it would just contribute to the pandemonium and thus raise the casualty rate.

 3. This is the one the title alludes to. I don't want to sound condescending, so pardon me if I'm telling you something you already know. Jefferson based much of the Constitution on the ideas of Jean-Jacques Rousseau and the latter's idea of a social contract. This is evident in nearly every aspect of civilized society, so much so that we rarely think about it. A good example is that most people obey traffic laws (apart from driving faster than the speed limit on occasion -- I assume). They stop at red lights and pass other vehicles on the left, etc. Even the most hardened criminal is likely to follow the rules of the road, if for no other reason than not to draw attention to himself. People don't smoke in no-smoking zones; they take off their shoes and stand in line to board airplanes (even if they grumble about it the whole way through). Whether you agree with my observations on these examples or not, I think you would concede the point that we give up -- or at least limit -- certain individual freedoms for the greater good of society. Why is this so hard to extend to gun laws? No one needs an automatic or semi-automatic weapon, but just the mention of taking away that choice gets their collective panties in a bunch. Can't we, as a society, come to the simple agreement that getting rid of these weapons is in the best interest of all of our citizens, at least until we figure out something else?

 4. One last thought: I have never in my life seen a group of young people as composed and eloquent as those who have stepped up after Wednesday's shooting. In the past, students have let adults handle things for them, and I guess that hasn't worked out so well. Now they are not waiting. I am angry and sad that they have had the occasion to step up, but I am in awe of their courage and grace -- and hopeful that they may succeed where we have failed.

Free Beer!

Actually, it's more like "beer-free". I got an email from the new hockey team today letting me know that season ticket holders will have a special entrance for future games; this will allow them (us) to get into the arena an hour earlier, and that special entry will include a wristband -- good for one hour of free beer. I won't say there haven't been times in my life when I could have consumed a lot of beer in an hour, but those days are long past. Even before I was told this week that I shouldn't drink alcohol, I may have had a few beers a few times a year. Ironically, when I drank more I weighed less, but I'm sure that wasn't the only variable. In the end, I'm not planning on going to tomorrow night's game anyway, so drinking definitely won't be a temptation.

On Wednesday I saw the gastroenterologist. He scheduled me for an endoscopy the following morning (yesterday). He's still not exactly sure what's going on; he found a lot of irritation and inflammation, but he's not sure what it's from. One spot in particular was more irritated and inflamed, likely the culprit area of last weekend's stomach bleed. He sent in a biopsy. All I can do now is wait and see. In the meantime, I'm returning to work on Monday, with another new class. My bosses at both institutions were very nice and concerned about my health, and if I had really needed them to, they could have found someone to pick up my classes. But I do have bills to pay, and aside from that I really care about my students -- and I don't want to burn my bridges at every college in town. I'll teach less next semester; for the next seven or so weeks, I'll deal.

I know it was rude to mention being ill and then go away for two days! I'm working on getting back to every day. Today I have two "big accomplishments": writing here and -- this is dumb, but it's kind of a big deal -- returning two Redbox movies on time after actually watching them. Woohoo! I hardly ever rent movies, but when I do, they usually sit around the house for an extra day or two, often without my ever watching them. Oh, and I've lost six pounds. That's kind of a big deal too.

Developments

I'm in full-on guilty mode, having canceled my classes this morning. I went to work yesterday, and it was difficult with the stomach issues I was having. This morning I'm having the same issues -- with greater urgency and frequency. I saw my primary care doctor yesterday and he said my liver enzymes are fine, and even if they weren't, liver disease would probably not cause the problems I've had since leaving the hospital. He thinks I have an ulcer, so I'm waiting for his office to get my gastroenterologist appointment set up. I am supposed to hear about that today. And while my doctor didn't chastise me for not going to the ER on Saturday, he did tell me to go in immediately if I throw up blood again.

Just so you know, I didn't start my blog back up so I could complain about my health. I have really been struggling with low energy and low productivity, and I remembered how fulfilling it was to have at least written my blog every day, even when I didn't do much else. It gives me a feeling of accomplishment when I'm not otherwise being my usual over-achiever perfectionist self. Certainly I am not being "that self" now. After I get some of this medical chatter out of my system, I hope to go back to writing things that are . . . better. I'm not sure exactly how they'll be better, but they will be.

It's Been Too Long

Once again, I'm attempting to get back to my daily writing. I suppose I've been following that old adage about not saying anything if you don't have anything nice to say (not that I have always followed that advice). My usual sunny disposition has been more difficult than usual to maintain, or even attain. Last week I spent two days in the hospital on morphine and dilaudid for excruciating pain in my side. I was told I have a non-alcohol-related liver disease -- and discharged to follow up with my doctor. That was on Thursday; on Friday I rested, and on Saturday I went with my son to the inaguaral game of our new hockey team -- and spent the last hour of the game vomiting blood in the bathroom. Yesterday I rested again and today I'm ready to go to work. Or at least I'm going to work and hoping to get in to see my doctor afterwards.

My condition may explain why I have been so tired for the last few months, but I can't be sure because the doctor at the hospital didn't give me much information. Either way, these symptoms can't be good. I'll apologize in advance for my own TMI: I've been up since 4:45 (nearly two hours) and have spent at least forty-five minutes of that time in the bathroom with the runs. Again, not something that bodes well for three hours of teaching, but I truly cannot miss anymore time unless I decide to have someone else take over my classes. That situation would likely lead to my not getting any future classes, at least for a while.

I hate to come back full of complaints, and hopefully next time I'll have better news.

The Gift of Time

I may have used this title before, as this is an important topic in my life. My youngest son called me this morning to ask if I have "anything planned for my special day." I really don't. Because it's on Wednesday, my longest work day, I hadn't made any plans. Also, I didn't get paid (as I may have mentioned) and I'm doing my best to survive on a cash-only basis. I didn't tell my son all of that, only that I would be around other than for work time. He is taking off a half-day tomorrow (Tuesday) and driving up to visit, leaving Wednesday night. This makes me extremely happy. I may see my middle son that day too; he has been on a tour with his band and, while I know he's got something up his sleeve, I'm not sure which day it will be. Because my middle son lives in Jacksonville, he and his girlfriend are always the ones who do something special for me. I always appreciate it!

My students in the 7:30 a.m. class asked me what I want for my birthday. I said, "World peace." They said they couldn't get me that. The only reason they know that Wednesday is my birthday is that one of them mentioned last week that she had wanted to bring in donuts for everyone, but the drive-thru line was too long. I jokingly said, "My birthday is next Wednesday. Bring some then!" Sometimes they seem not to know I'm kidding, so I reinforced that today. I truly don't want my students to give me birthday gifts. That's weird and could be seen as an attempt to influence their grades, no matter how sweet and sincere the gesture.

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?

My parents enjoyed musicals, and some of my earliest memories are of listening to records of show tunes. I don't always remember which song goes with which musical, but I remember the words to many of them. Imagine my surprise when, many years later, various of my sons' friends also enjoyed musicals and spontaneously broke into song when inspired by a related situation.

Today's title comes courtesy of the most recent hurricane, Maria. We are still reeling from Irma -- classes just resumed here today and not yet resumed in many parts of the state -- and are now being warned that Maria will take a similar track, at a similar speed, causing similar damage. As I mentioned, my neighborhood fared well; however, that wasn't the case with all of Jacksonville's neighborhoods. I have been busy (and not busy) with other things, so I haven't cleaned up all the yard mess from Irma. I am sponsoring and hosting two volunteer events later in the week. I won't be too sad if those are canceled, but I will be extremely upset if our state is hit with another storm so close on the tail of the last one. My students said this morning, "So does that mean we'll miss another two weeks of class?" I told them I'd do what I could to make sure they succeeded in my class, but I have no control over the weather.

That knowledge -- that there's no way we can control anything -- is tough. It isn't just that we can't control the weather; it's also that we can't know what the weather is going to do. Uncertainty is often the scariest thing and we're right back there again. I know many folks are fatigued by the hurricane itself and also by the watching-and-waiting period preceding it. My solution -- and I expect it will be the same for others -- is to ignore the news for a while. The fact is that we can't do much to solve the problem of Maria, or any other storm, and to spend day after day anticipating what it might do (or watching The Weather Channel anticipate what it might do) is overload for our already shattered nerves. By Thursday I may be ready for just a little bit of weather news.

Busy?

Every day in the week since I last wrote, I have said I should write. As you may have noticed from my dark tone over the last month or so (as well as my "blog-neglect"), I was in a funk -- a Grand Funk, even. Yesterday, for whatever reason, I turned a corner, and I'm finally feeling more like the chipper self I aspire to be. The hurricane didn't do much to improve my mood, other than in keeping me stuck in the house for five days, which forced me to find things to do not to lose my mind. This was a good thing. And, for the record, I could have left after the first two days, but officials were asking people to stay off the road as long as they could. And two of the five days were the day before and the day of. My neighborhood was very lucky, but I can't explain how nerve-wracking it is to have that kind of storm bear down on you and not know what can happen. What did happen -- despite apparent photographic evidence that portrays all of Jacksonville as being under water -- was that some big limbs came down in my yard, and large trees came down in my neighbors'. A few mailboxes and shingles tore loose. A lot of debris was in the road. I'm not saying that parts of Jacksonville were not under water, but that was the exception rather than the rule.

So in my downtime -- classes were canceled from September 8 through tomorrow, September 18, and I missed two days before that with a virus or something -- I read. A few months ago, I bought two books about emotional eating. One wasn't very effective; I ate emotionally as I read it. So I lost interest in trying to get the bottom of my eating behavior, at least for a while. Last week I picked up the other book, and it really struck a chord with me. To be honest, it wasn't just my eating that was out of control. I felt like virtually everything in my life was out of control, and I was seriously worried about the schedule I will have to keep up starting this week. (I have one new class starting on Wednesday and another in early October, in addition to the four I started a few weeks ago.) Rarely in my life have I doubted my ability to do anything I set my mind to, but I was so thoroughly exhausted all the time that I wasn't sure I'd be able to do it. So I don't know if reading the book helped or if getting to the point where I wanted to read the book was itself the help. I haven't overthought it.

The book is called The Food and Feelings Workbook, which I know sounds a little hokey. I didn't do the exercises as I read but I may go back and do them later. It did give me some good insights into why I was feeling out of control and that is a good first step to regaining control. One of the big things I learned is to give myself a break. Part of emotional eating (and, I would imagine, other unhealthy or at least counterproductive behaviors) is the self-shame that follows it; that in turn leads to more comfort-seeking, often through food, and the cycle goes on and on. Now I tell myself I can eat anything I want and not feel guilty about it. And an odd thing happened: I have less desire to overeat. I have heard before that not worrying about food/weight can lead to better health/weight loss, but I think I was always afraid I'd totally lose control and end up gaining hundreds of pounds. Nope! So that has been a good discovery.

Much else had happened over the past few weeks, but I'll save that for another time.