Mid-Year Evaluation

Some days I really don't want to write, but it's become a terrible/wonderful addiction; I can't stop. I had planned to write about something else (how nice it was to come home to my family while they were here) and I'll probably get to that sometime. The truth about that is no matter how nice it is to have company, it's also nice when everyone goes home. I suppose it's like travel, in that no matter how nice a place you visit, it's always good to get back home to "normal" life.

Anyway, I'm a bit past the midpoint of the year, but every once in a while I like to think about how well my actuality matches up with my "idealality". (I know that's not a real word, by the way.) What I've learned this year is that I need to think more clearly about my ideal life and focus on what I need to do to get there. My life isn't bad by any measure, not that I measure it against anyone else's. But it's important to dream and have goals, and that's something I haven't really allowed myself to indulge in for most of my life -- and especially as I've gotten older. So my new dream and goal is to have dreams and goals!

Maybe it isn't true of all parents, or of all parents who have children at an early age, but (and I know I've talked about this before) I've had a hard time redefining myself now that my kids are grown. I feel fortunate to have gotten an education and found a job I could work around parenting; I know everyone is not so fortunate. However, no matter how much I loved my work and volunteering, all of it was only a shadow of my dedication to my sons. And as hard as I try, I can't completely substitute my students/teaching for my children/parenting. It's a weird dilemma, and that's probably not the right word, but it's the best I can do.

Each of my sons has said to me over the past few years -- each in his own way -- that I can do anything I want to now that they're all grown. And that's exactly the problem: When they were young, I knew what to do. Now that I'm not raising them anymore, I just don't know what I want to do. I'm pretty sure it will involve starting a community-enrichment program or project, but I'm lost on how to develop that kind of idea. I do have an idea, a pretty good one, I think. It's so much easier to think about the program/project being up and running! I need to educate myself to get there. But first, I will focus on a plan. I'll take my own advice and break the plan down into smaller achieveable steps. I'll do it. Just like I do this every day, once I get going, I'm sure I can stick with it.