Just Dropped In

Yesterday I told my son I had had a dream about my mom the night before. My oldest son and I were at the airport with her, heading out on a trip, and we had all forgotten to pack. I realized we didn't have time to go home to get our things before our flight left. I called my then-husband to bring us a few items of clothing, but we weren't sure he'd get there before we had to board. It was very real, this dream, so much so that I was disoriented when I awoke. I had to remind myself that my oldest son, who had been about eight to ten years old in dream, is now thirty-four and my mother is no longer alive.

When I told my youngest son about the dream, he said, "That's weird. I had a dream about Grandma last night too." In his dream, my mom worked at a stadium and my son was there without a ticket to whatever the event was. I asked if she let him in; he didn't remember.

What's especially weird about this -- and I am wondering if my other two sons had dreams about her that same night too -- is that in each of our dreams about my mom, we were missing something we needed. I'm not sure what that means, but I don't think it's an accident that she showed up in both (and maybe more) dreams. Perhaps it's that Christmas makes us think of times (good and bad) spent with family and makes us feel their absence more. Or maybe my mom just thought she needed to check in.

All week I've been annoyed about not getting more done in preparation for Christmas. Today I've decided to be kinder to myself. (I'm always kind to my sons, but I can be very hard on myself.) This is only our second Christmas without my mother. I don't feel like fighting time (as in rushing and killing myself to get it all done) and nostalgia. I can't do much about the nostalgia, but I can relax about the time. Screw it. What gets done, gets done. And I can tell you, not much is getting done. Maybe tomorrow.