Binge

A few nights ago I watched a documentary about eating disorders. It was called Thin and focused on the stories of several young women hospitalized with anorexia and bulimia. As I watched, I realized that the only real difference between them and me is that I don't purge. Since then, I've done some research and have come to understand that I'm a compulsive eater and a binger. I never really understood this, even though for my entire life my thoughts have centered around food -- either eating it or avoiding it. I'm not saying that I'm not resonsible for my weight gain, only that it isn't as simple -- as many people seem to think -- as exerting more willpower or exercising more. I have no doubt that these things would help, but I don't know how not to give in to the compulsion to eat more food than I need to sustain myself. I can't even describe the pull of wanting to eat -- and eat and eat -- and going overboard, and the shame and guilt I feel afterwards. I don't like to eat much around people; I always feel like I'm being judged for my choices, especially if I choose a sandwich over a salad or (God forbid) I eat dessert. I don't keep sweets or junk food in the house, yet I can usually find a way to combine ingredients to make something good enough that I want more.

Understanding this may help me to be kinder to myself while also establishing new habits. When I first gained weight a few years ago (I was able to keep it in check for most of my life by exercising a lot), I wasn't happy about it, but I also wasn't overly concerned. Now that I have several weight-related illnesses, as well as joint pain in my knees and feet, I am overly concerned. The irony is that the fear and stress from those illnesses has been causing me to eat more compulsively than ever! That makes me feel very stupid. As I type this, I'm noticing to the right that one of my suggested links is an article called "The Self 'Loathsome Gluttony' of Binge-eating". Yes, that's exactly right. I think that if I can relax a little about everything in my life -- consciously relax, I mean, through meditation and yoga -- I will do much better. It's a journey, and my life really does depend on it.