Real Power

After my mom died and my brother and I were left in charge of her estate, my sons cautioned me against letting my brother pressure me into giving up things I wanted or making decisions that were counter to what I wanted. My brother is loud and assertive; I am quiet (or at least calm) but also assertive under the right circumstances. What my kids don't always get is I can get my way without volume or rancor. For the most part, I haven't felt pushed. I knew coming up this time, though, that that might change.

My brother is on a mission to get the house cleaned out. We have both decided to get it on the market in the spring. At first I wasn't sure I wanted to sell it right away and I really appreciate that he didn't press me. If he had, I might have pushed back and never made the decision. While I do understand that we need to get rid of things, I don't like having someone breathing down my neck. Today, my brother was breathing down my neck and he got a lot done but I stopped cooperating after the first few hours. I do best when I can get in my groove and go at my own pace -- not someone else's. We'll get it done but it doesn't have to happen tonight.

As for who gets what, I had decided before I came up that I will leave with two things: an etched mirror in the living room and the nativity scene we had when I was a kid. I didn't ask; I told. I added that I would compromise on other things. Then I asked my brother about the outside furniture. He said he was taking the wrought iron. "You're taking all the wrought iron?" I asked, in a tone that implied that was overreaching. "Because I thought we could divide it. One of us can take the table and chair set, and the other can take the rockers, loungers, and end tables." So he said of course that was fine. That's the great thing about being oldest. Even if you're generally accommodating and generous, when the time is right you can assert your real power.