Not Writing Is Bad for Me

As you might imagine from my last post, I've been in my head a lot lately. This is not a great place for me to be, especially when I'm doing most of my work from home and not seeing people much. Yesterday I worked a half day, did a little cleaning, and went straight for the sofa where I stayed until 2:00 this morning. I went back to bed until about 5:30 -- early even by my standards -- and made coffee. I had a great plan of all the amazing things I would accomplish today. And I got a good start. I went to Home Depot around 10:00 and found half of what I needed. Honestly, I probably could have found the rest; I just got tired of walking around. That's been the biggest part of my problem lately: I don't feel like doing much of anything.

Yesterday it was because I was having a bad time with anxiety. Don't ask me why. Nothing was going on (hence the term "panic disorder" as opposed to "anxiety attacks"). I never know when it will hit. My doctor gives me medicine to take when I start "getting that feeling", but it makes me drowsy and I don't like to take it. When I have to work it's the worst! If I take the medicine, I don't feel as if my scoring is up to par; if I don't take the medicine, I have to put most of my focus on not losing my mind. It used to be hard for me to talk (or write) about it. I always thought that trying to describe it would bring it on. But since my anxiety is usually unrelated to what's going on, and not necessarily made better or worse by what I do, think or say, I have discovered that I can talk about it without panicking. I use these words -- anxiety and panic -- interchangeably, but I don't think that's technically correct. Who cares? It sucks.

The weather is beautiful today, so I thought getting outdoors might make me feel better. (My sinus infection hasn't loosened its grip much.) I did enjoy sitting on the porch, but I still didn't feel like doing anything. Despite not having a lot of motivation, I should point out that I always get done what I need to -- but sometimes that's all I do. This is one of those weeks. Next week will be better. It comes and goes.