On Figuring Out What You Want

And by "you", I mean "I". If you've been hanging around the blog for a while, you may know that I've struggled for years about what I want from life. When my kids were young it was so simple. I knew I had to take care of them and work, as well as all of the other things that go along with that -- maintain my house and yard, pay the bills, etc. I had a bit of a crisis when my youngest graduated high school and moved to Tallahassee with the middle one. Actually, the crisis began when the middle one moved out and I knew that in a few years the youngest would follow. It wasn't as hard with my oldest because of the larger age difference, eight years between the first two and four years between the younger two. Now that I think about it, I can't believe I've been struggling with this issue for so long! My youngest graduated from high school in 2010, so it's been nearly seven years of trying to figure out my life. Better late than never, I suppose.

Really, I think I caught onto it two or three years ago; each of my sons has said at some point, "Mom, now that you don't have to worry about us anymore [ha! as if that will ever be the case] you can do whatever you want to!" My reply was always, "Yeah, but I don't know what that is." Taking my first solo trip two and a half years ago set the stage, even though I didn't really know it. Another solo trip last year contributed to my realization. But it wasn't until after I returned from my most recent solo trip that the epiphany kicked in: I want to travel! A lot! Like as much as I can and still pay my bills! So there it is. It wasn't anything especially profound, and it's been staring me in the face for the past few years although I didn't recognize it until the past few weeks. Apart from the usual things we all want, and I don't mean to minimize their importance at all -- things like our own and our family's health, the ability to be independent, and so on -- I don't want anything else. Even working several jobs, I can manage one long trip per year and several shorter ones. With each one, I'll become a little bolder and I'll learn a little more -- about the world and about myself.