Why I Don't Like People

Yes, I know that sounds extreme, and it isn't entirely true. I actually like people a lot -- in the generic definition of "all of humanity". What I don't like is the whole figuring-it-out thing: what kind of relationship is this, can I speak freely without you getting bent out of shape, why are you such a bitch . . . those kinds of questions. In a group situation I do fine; in interpersonal situations (that don't get too personal) I also do fine. It's those weird kind of undefined connections that trouble me. I thought I had finally -- after a lifetime of trying to figure other people out -- stopped wasting my mental energy on OPD (other people's drama), but sometimes it is hard to escape than other times, and what's even worse is when they are able to pull you in with them. What I realize now is that I didn't escape that trap -- except to the extent that I disengaged with those people. Some of the people who are contributing to my current woes are among those I left behind at an earlier point in my life; some are not.

I realize most of this won't make sense out of context, and I'm not intending to add much context. However, I will say that I don't like to be spoken to sharply (one situation) or made to feel like an afterthought (another). I get that no one has control over my emotions but me, so I'm not blaming those other people for how I feel. In fact, my tendency (which, again, I thought I'd gotten over) is to think that I did something wrong and try to figure out what it was, while extending to "those people" every excuse and/or reason for their not being better -- better friends, better helpers, better acquaintances, better people. Perhaps you can tell that I have not had a good day, although my guess is that most people I encountered throughout the day wouldn't have known it. I try not to use my own drama as an excuse not to treat people with courtesy and kindness. We all are dealing with our own shit, and to use that as an excuse to treat anyone badly is really low-class. On the other hand, when I allow OPD to burden me, I'm not treating myself very well.

Sorry for the rant. This has been on my mind all day, and it feels good to get it out!