Loser

This is another title that I'm sure I've used before, but it fits in well with my theme -- or actually dual themes. The first is about how I feel when I miss class, which I did tonight, despite my best intentions. My back is still in rough shape, and I have the dilemma of attempting to function with the pain or taking medication that makes it difficult to think straight, and probably unsafe to drive. I chose the latter, mostly because I can't get comfortable in any position. Sitting is the worst. I've spent most of the day like I spent most of yesterday and the day before -- lying on the sofa with an icepack under me. I'm trying really hard to heal up; I have a busy week. Whenever I miss class, I feel like a horrible person! At least this time I had an in-class assignment that I explained to my students. The bad thing about that was our office assistant was stuck with "babysitting" my class while they did the assignment. So I felt awful about that too. She'd already been there since early this morning, and she had to stay late to pick up my slack.

The second theme -- and I'm sure in some way it ties in with the first -- has to do with a conversation I had on the phone with a friend this afternoon. She was telling me (without exactly telling me) that she sometimes felt suicidal, more so recently than usual. I told her I felt that way too sometimes, which is true. I don't spend time thinking about whether it's normal to think that way, or if other people think that way, or any of that silly stuff. I think it was just last week that I was talking about knowing that, no matter how low I felt, I would always come up from the lows. So I shared that with her -- my "rollercoaster philosphy" -- and it seemed to help her. She made it clear that she wasn't on the verge of acting on those feelings. I'm not sure what else I could have said, other than suggesting she talk to someone with a professional background in such things. She said she couldn't talk to anyone else about it. It is, she said, easier to talk to me about it because we've known each other a long time and through a lot of shit.

I'm probably going to sound like a greeting card writer here, but I think most of us do the best we can, even if we sometimes feel like big losers. On second thought, maybe that's not exactly a Hallmark sentiment. Still, I think it's true.