Easing Up

I know I talk a lot about my weight, and I'm sure it comes across as my being vain. Maybe there is an element of that, but it's not the biggest part. I just don't feel like myself when I am not in good shape. That, in turn, affects my confidence and my "swagger". Everyone should want to swagger sometimes, I think. It's not arrogance; it's just a way (for me at least) to demonstrate to myself (and possibly others) that I feel good about me. Maybe that is arrogant and vain. I'm not sure.

Last night, I got a little swagger on. I put on something that I think looked nice -- not super-dressy, just nice -- and wore a touch of make-up. I don't really know exactly how I looked, but I felt good about my appearance regardless. I don't know if any of this makes sense to people who haven't struggled with their weight. Being a fat kid and fighting all your life is not the same as wishing you could lose five pounds. At least I don't think it is; I fall into the former category, but I know lots of people in both the former and the latter.

I thought I had more to say about this, but I really don't, other than that I've been trying really hard to get in shape and to be more healthy. I put tremendous pressure on myself to be perfect in those attempts. Today I'm giving myself a little bit of a break. My schedule was such that I didn't have time to exercise early -- I didn't even eat for the first time today until five o'clock in the evening -- and now it's storming and I probably won't get to it. A self-challenge is one thing; an unreasonable demand on myself is another, and I really don't need the additional pressure right now, even if it's only coming from me, which is definitely the case. In the past two weeks, today will be the second day of exercise I've missed. It's not a bad record, and I'm just going to be happy with it instead of beating myself up. Celebrating successes is certainly healthier than wallowing in "failures".