Futile Worry

I should know by now worry is a waste of head space. I worry a lot less than I did when I was younger because usually I recognize that it has no point: You figure out whether you can do something about the situation. If you can, you do it. If you can't, you let it go. But my in-class observation by the dean last week really had me kicking myself and feeling like I'd blown any chance I had for the upcoming full-time position. That concern turned out to be unfounded.

Today, after class, I went in for my evaluation. This college rates professors in a different way from other institutions where I've worked. Rather than an overall Exemplary, Above Satisfactory, Satisfactory, and Below Satisfactory (and I think there was one even lower, maybe Unacceptable), which were the scores at my previous institution, at the college where I now teach there are several blocks, some of which have the highest mark as Meets Standards and some of which have Exceeds Standards. There are, of course, lower marks, but I didn't pay attention to those; I want to be at the top! In every area where Meets Standards was highest, I received that score. In all but two areas (both related to technology -- no big surprise) I scored Exceeds Standards. My overall rating was Exceeds Standards, and the dean included a nice narrative about my rapport with students and my teaching style.

After I learned all of this, I said, "Can I just say . . . whew!" with an exaggerated arm swipe across the forehead. He was smiling but looking quizzical. I said, by way of explanation, "I thought I blew it!" He asked why in the world I would think that. I recall muttering something about the low number of students in attendance reflecting poorly on me. I didn't say, "Because you offered to NOT do the evaluation, you talked to me while I was in front of the class trying to work, and you didn't stay the entire thirty minutes!" I might sometimes say more than I should, but I do know when it's in my best interest to just shut the fuck up. So I stopped talking, about that at least, and had a pleasant chat about the course at that campus and my other courses. I just can't even express how relieved I was.

I had another low-attendance day in both of my classes today, but it didn't stop me from doing what I had planned for both full sessions -- even the one I taught before I found out that my evaluation was good. If some of the students aren't going to show up, I need to stop worrying about them and focus on those who are there. A big part of good teaching is the ability to adapt to changing circumstances. I'm getting many opportunities this semester to test that theory.