After my class yesterday -- which went really well, by the way. I'm not sure whether I said that already -- I went to pick up my son for lunch. He lives just a few minutes from campus. It was only the two of us, and we had some great conversations. One thing he said in particular helped me a lot: Decide who you want to be, and get there. This was after I had said that I'm having some trouble -- still -- figuring out my purpose in life. At first he had said, "You're in a position to do whatever you want to do." My response was that I simply don't know what I want to do. I needed some elaboration on the "who you want to be" advice. Did he mean a real person? Did he mean a set of characteristics I wanted to possess or a vocation I wanted to pursue? All of the above? He said he didn't necessarily mean modeling myself after a real person, although he told me about diaries he had read online of great artists that outlined their daily schedules. That's pretty interesting, sort of a blueprint for creativity. I don't want to be anyone but me, although I am open to suggestions about who that is.
I say all of that to say this: Today I shopped for a few items of clothing. While I am striving to be more active and to eat healthier foods, time off my feet didn't help my fitness struggle. I discovered when trying to find something to wear to class that I don't have much that fits me and looks nice. I always have to argue with myself when it comes to buying new clothes in a larger size. On the one hand, I hope not to be at this weight for too long. On the other hand, I have to be in front of people for work, and if I don't feel like my appearance is as good as it can be, I don't feel confident. And I also know that my appearance isn't the only thing that makes me me, but I do believe that clothing is a form of self-expression, and since I've gained weight I have found very few clothes that allow me to express myself.
My son's record label is having a big party tonight, and I'm going to the party and meeting up with some of the band guys (and gals) beforehand. I had told my son I'd wear his band's t-shirt, but I wasn't sure what else to wear. Since I was buying a few things, I decided to go for fun stuff that would work in my classes as well as for going out. So I am wearing the wildest pants and sandals for my evening out. When my son called to tell me that he'd text me when they got to the venue, I told him that his words had really inspired me, and I had thought a good start would be fun clothes, some of which I'd be wearing tonight. In his usual droll way, he said, "Oh, God. I guess I'll see what kind of monster I've created." What I heard was a sincere, "Good job, Mom! You're off to a great start." Now I need to work on what I want in my life beyond clothes that fit. That's a task for tomorrow. One day at a time.
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